Hello everyone. Let’s call it my Valentine’s Day present to you. Happy Valentine’s Day! So this has been already a weird week. It mainly entails craziness that is my job. When it’s not annoyingly noisy in class, it’s bizarrely inappropriate. Which, in turn, gives me good stories to relay to you. Along with some other things. Which reminds me as well, can anyone tell me when the last WEIRD NJ came out? Muchos gracias!
Lost in Translation
So there is this Akon song that is highly inappropriate for adults and children alike. The sensored version is “I Wanna Love You” which sounds innocent enough. But the nonsensored version is the same title but exchange the Love for the much more vulgar word that starts with an F and ends in a K. I’d write it, but I don’t want to burn my parents’ eyes. So we’ll pretend the word is ‘fark’ for the sake of this story, but you really know what the word is. And if you don’t, then I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Anyway, often times my students listen to American music…probably more often than not. They all have a somewhat strange love for Fifty Cent and they also know Christina Aguilera quite well. But, somewhere along the way, from the American circuit to the French waves, the edited versions are lost, and the nonsensored ones are played everywhere (including the radio), because lots of people just don’t understand the American curses.
So today, as I am innocently writing the date on the chalkboard for the French Fries, one of the boys, who often asks me to translate songs (previously translated: ‘my humps…uh…like a camels back’, ‘everybody dance now…everybody start to dance’, and so on.) comes up to me and he goes “What does ‘I wanna fark you?’ mean?”. I literally gasped and covered my mouth. And then I just said ‘no’. Which, like the previous ‘oh sheet’ girl, just got the rest of the class curious. But then I tell him to never use those words in English class, and then I turn around the continue writing the date, and that’s when the laughter starts. It was the longest date writing ever, because I didn’t want to let them see me laughing.
Then when I was walking home for lunch, I was listening to my MP3 player, and of course, Akon comes on. And then, no lie, I look at a tree and I see two birds babymaking. So little miss American is walking alone and literally cracking up thinking about the aforementioned events. We Americans are so very strange. Sapna’s roommate may be onto something there.
Unsmoothy Elevator
So this week some high being is punishing me for being such a lazy bum in France, and in return, the elevator in our apartment is out of commission. They are doing work on it, which is sort of surprising since it never seemed to not work. Sure, it’s the scariest elevator you may ever be on, but still…if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
So every morning we wake up to the sound of metal being sawed, or whatever it is you do to metal. And then if the sound isn’t bad enough, the smell is horrible. It smells like burning rubber, mixed with burning hair, mixed with burning B.O. However, today I think I snapped. What’s that crazy disorder that kidnapped people get where they fall in love with their kidnapper? Cause I had the equivalent episode, just with the nasty smell. All of a sudden the grossness started smelling like cookies in my mind. And I couldn’t get enough of it in my nose. But that’s neither here nor there.
But to top it all off, the mailmen, and their lazy asses, refuse to deliver packages as a result of the no elevator clause they apparently think exists, and pretend that we didn’t hear the doorbell, and make us pick it up from the post office. Lucky for me, you poopheads don’t send me anything (mom, Drew, and Ian…you do)…so Alix is the only one suffering from that fate thus far.
I am the Rainman
I have never seen that movie, so I guess I am a poseur for alluding to it in the title, but all I am saying is that I always know when it’s going to rain because that’s always the day after I hang my laundry to dry. More precisely, it will start as soon as my clothes need only about another hour more in the dry sunshine to completely dry. That’s when the rain will start. You don’t need a meteorologist when Dina’s in town with her stinky clothes. And without a dryer…
I was mocked by someone young enough to not know who Barney is
So since I teach 8 classes a day, I feel like a Troubadour. You know, traveling singer/dancer/English teacher. And so I have my standard big granny sac that I keep everything in. My purse, my cell phone, my colored pencils, my worksheets…literally everything. Needless to say, I get a little scatter-brained running from class to class, and have been known to leave things in the classrooms.
A couple weeks ago, I left my cell phone in one of the classrooms before lunch, so one of my students ran after me to give it to me. It was a little slightly embarrassing, but not enough to make me take pause. However, the class after lunch, I left my cell phone there, too. And then apparently, people talk, because the teacher of that class was like ‘again??’. So fine. A little more embarrassing.
But then, the other day I brought my laptop in to work to show them a powerpoint presentation I made for them for Valentine’s day, and also show them a Valentine’s Day episode of the The Simpsons, and then one of the 8-year-old girls in my class (the one who ran after me with my cell phone that fateful Thursday), smiles sweetly and goes ‘Don’t forget your laptop today.’ She beat me at my own game of sarcastic coyness! And she’s 8!! For that I had to give her props. I think her and I are going to be good friends.
Valentine’s Day Extraordinaire
So, 4 single dateless girls decided to romance with each other and head uptown to Le 54, a cozy little restaurant right next door to where the most dateless of all, Dina, resided. So, all 4 girls, who we will call Dina, Sapna, Angelique, and Alix for the sake of the story, got all dressed up and beautiful for each other, and headed to the restaurant. They had a 3 course menu that night, with a drink included, which was a pretty sweet deal. What better way to cheers the night as a single femme than to eat your heart out.
So back to first person.
For starters, I opted for the escargot. A bold move, for I’ve only had escargot once, and it never entailed a clamping tool and a mini fork with sharp prongs. This time I had to go hunt my little snails down in the shell. And let me tell you…some of those snails were hiding pretty well. And of course, there were several near mishaps where I almost sent the shell or the snail flying towards an unexpected customer. (Speaking of customers, it should be noted that us four were the youngest, by at least 20 years. So that was a little empowering somehow.)
As my main meal I went with the salmon in the chef’s sauce with a side of riz. I had it there before when I first arrived and it was the best salmon of my life. But this time, it wasn’t as good, but it wasn’t too shabby either.
Then onto the dessert, my good friends. I went with the tiramisu, which is not easy to find here in Nice. It was sooo good. Very rich, and very creamy. In other words, I could feel my arteries getting clogged at the time of indulgence. And I was loving every second.
So we had all that for 20 euro. Not too shabby, eh?
The one momentous occasion of the night, however, was the ‘piano player’. I put that in quotes because that is how he was advertised on the Valentine’s Day advertisement. But he was just a glorified lounge keyboard man. And he was serenading the crowd with love songs, for our dining enjoyment. But since we spoke English, his English covers weren’t flying with us. He was nice and polished on the chorus of songs (think “I just called to say I love you”) but then when he would sing the rest of the song, he wasn’t singing words. Just sounds that may have been rough estimations of what the words should be. It was funny for us. But then, he started belting out this French song. And we were just taking it in while eating. The other patrons, they took a pause from eating, though. And unexpectedly, all of the other fine diners started belting out the words with him when the chorus came. So who knew…all this, and karaoke!
All in all, it was a good night. And I hope your Valentine’s Day was good, as well J. Maybe even escargot-rific.
Oh! I forgot to mention my moment of sympathy I earned for the day, too.
I decided since now one was going to buy me flowers, than dammit, I was going to buy them for myself. So I walked to this fresh flower place that I always pass on my way to work, and I picked out potted flowers that are supposedly chrysanthemums, but I think they’re poseurs because they resemble my favorite daisy a little too much. So I take them to the counter to pay for them, and the guy there asks me something. And this is really bad to admit, but when I don’t really understand something someone says, I have an awful habit of just saying yes. Which gets me in trouble, because, for example, on this day he was asking me an either/or question. I thought he was asking me if I want it wrapped up. But anyway, he goes ‘No French?’ To which I reply “mais oui, je parle français.” To which he goes ‘Who eet’s for?’. Me: “ah, moi…”. Him and all the other workers: “Ohh. Eet’s for YOU. You buy zem for yourself!” Me: (disgruntled look) ‘oui.’
He didn’t offer the wrappage again L. But I walked home with some sexy little daisy-look alikes. And now they are gracefully dying in my room. Cause I cannot be trusted with anything living.
The Blind Leading the Blind
Ok, so you are probably thinking that title was some clever metaphor for a story I am going to tell you now. Think again, bucko.
Just when you thought you saw everything, France up and surprises you again. For example, the other day I was walking home past the market, and I look over and I see a blind person. Here all the blind people have those long cane-like sticks they use to feel there way around. It’s quite impressive (and frightening) watching the blind people cross streets here. So anyway, I see this blind person. And then I see she has her arm linked with another woman. Not weird at all. But then it takes a turn for the weird when I realized the lady whose arm she was linked with was also carrying one of those blindman stick things. So yes, two blind women were strolling along, arm-in-arm.
Thus, I saw the blind leading the blind.
Carnavale Time (doo do doooo)
So, one of the coolest opportunities happened last night. I was in the opening parade of Carnavale. Some of the classes I teach were in it, because the opening day has children following the float of the king in Nice. So they invite 4 or 5 classes from every school to be in the parade. One of my teachers invited me to accompany them, since I was going to go watch my kids in it anyway. So we all met at the school, and it was so cute. My students were so surprised and excited to see me. And I actually did my make up and stuff, which surprised the students because usually they see the roll out of bed look.
So, we all went to the classroom where we painted the kids’ faces and got them pimped out in sexy oversized tee-shirts and crazy-colored headbands. Then, it was my turn! I got my face painted and wore my XXL men’s tee-shirt and my hippy headband. I felt like a million bucks.
We then took a bus downtown, where I tried to explain ‘Miss Mary Mac’ to some of the girls, but they weren’t having it. This one girl refused to let go of my hand the whole ride, which was cute, yes, but I sort of wanted my hand back. And then the bus started singing ‘We will rock you’. Props for the English, but that’s all they sang. “We will rock you…” over and over and over again. Needless to say, I wasn’t sad when the bus ride came to an end.
So then we all headed to the Promenade des Anglais, where bleachers were set up for spectators, and that’s when the confetti fights began. We were all given a bag of confetti, and so the kids were all about that. At one point it was ‘Attack Dina with Confetti Time.” Imagine 25 students with a handful of confetti flinging it at you. And since I was laughing, I had plastic confetti all in my mouth, too. Then people started with the silly string. They sell it to the spectators there so they can shoot you with it. We were all such a mess, it was so great.
Then, it was time for the dance segment, where all the students in all the schools learned the same dance. They taught me in about 3 minutes before the parade. It was really cute, though. And there I was trying to follow along. I bet I was adorable, too. Hahaha.
All in all, it was really fun. The teacher took pictures, so hopefully I could get some of those to send to you.
The funniest part of the night, though, came when I called Sapna saying I was downtown and really wanted to go out. I hadn’t been out in a whole week (which is like a record), so I asked if I could just head to her house and clean up there, since I was close. It was so great walking through Vieux Nice. Guys normally ogle any girl that passes, with their stupid ‘you are charming, and radiant’ comments. That stopped that night when they saw the facepaint and confetti all over. Although, I did get one person saying it…in a mocking manner. It was hilarious. And then I was walking among this group of older people who were all dressed to the nines, and then there I am. They were all trying to read my shirt to understand.
When I got to Sapna’s, she and her roommate were quite shocked to see me, and they took pics of the after Dina, so I could definitely get a hold of those. We spent 20 minutes getting the confetti and silly string out of my hair, and another 20 minutes getting the paint of my face.
Then, when I went to change, confetti was flying out of every conceivable pocket and orifice. It wasn’t pretty, but still somehow retained it’s humorous charm.
And that was that. Definitely a night that I’ll remember for years to come!
La Cucheracha
I am absolutely positive I just spelled the title wrong. I apologize. All I want to say here is that if finding cockroaches was as lucky as finding ladybugs, I would be the luckiest lady in the world right now. Two in 24 hours. It makes me take pause before I eat anything (did I mention I found one in the kitchen…ugh).
Ok…so that’s all I’ve got. I hope you all had a great week, and continue that trend and have a great week to come. I miss you all!
XOXO,
Dina
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